When I grow up, I want to be...
Thoughts on dreaming the future, and what that future feels like in the present
When I was young and was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I had many answers. At first, I wanted to be a vet; I thought you’d pet cats, dogs, and horses all day. Then I wanted to be an actress. Taking on new names and personalities while living out scenarios that I would otherwise never experience seemed exciting and a great way to make a living. I wanted to be a teacher, a doctor, a computer nerd. A new day meant a new dream to imagine, like picking out a new dress from the closet and trying it on.
As a child, it was so easy to dream big, to reach for the stars without being aware of the distance between you and the flicker of gas in the sky. Coloring in a new and exciting future, picking out your own colors, the type of art supplies, deciding for yourself whether to draw inside the lines or go rogue. Everything seemed easy. Uncomplicated.
How nice would it be to have this impartiality today? Being unaware of the restrictions that led you away from one dream or another. As a child, I was dreaming with no concerns about skills, knowledge, money, opportunities, connections, or luck. It was just me and the wide, wide world, waiting for me to make a choice.
I imagine invisible veins leaving my body, connecting me with all the different lives I am living in countless parallel universes. Each invisible vein representing a path I could have taken, might have taken.
As I grew older, I realized that age doesn’t automatically come with answers. I am still lost. I am still asking questions into the void, leaving my head spinning and my back arched. What did come with age was the discovery that if you know that you don’t know and you accept this, life becomes easier.
I am still a toddler—in my thirties. I am finding my footing in this world, testing out one step after another, falling onto my knees and getting back up after a good cry. Even though I have thirty more years of life experience than an actual toddler, I am learning and adapting.
And even though I do not quit jobs on a daily basis or change careers like underwear, I know that things can change. It’s okay to turn onto a different road and risk starting anew. To draw outside the lines to create your very own picture.
I am not as naive as my younger self, dreaming of different lives every day. But I still believe that life is not even half as restricting as we make it out to be. Through countless decisions, I am now where I am. And through some more decisions, I will reach another point in the future.
Even though there are limitations and constraints, we do have a lot of power over the life we live one day. The decisions you make today will directly impact your future.
Scary, isn’t it?
But also empowering.
The path lies within you. You just have to take the first step, followed by another.
What I am trying to say—and I hope I am not completely failing right now—is, dream. Channel your younger self, allow yourself to try on different dresses, paint using oil instead of crayon, blur the lines and allow yourself to dream. Take risks and make mistakes. Only by going a little rogue will you find out if your current path is the one for you. Another one might be uncomfortable in the beginning, but how do we know it won’t be the most satisfying, glorious, fulfilling one if we don’t allow this option in?
Nothing in life is fixed. I want to take off the handcuffs that I myself put on my wrists. Society, my surroundings, my beliefs influenced me. The good thing is that I have the keys to unlock them. And even though I’ve reached an age where I should know what I want to be when I grow up, I am allowed to continue dreaming. So that’s what I am going to do. I can be whoever I want to be, whenever I decide to.
Side Note
Do you ever experience this state? You lie in bed—blinds down, sleeping mask covering your eyes, hoping your migraine will leave you alone—and your brain starts to wander. It happened to me, and what you just read is the result—more or less—from a migraine odyssey the other day. Instead of falling asleep, I mentally composed this piece. After I felt better, I tried to write down the words that were still floating around in my head. As always, I didn’t manage to capture them in the exact way I thought them before. It’s funny, really, how our brains work. They decide to come up with ideas at the most inconvenient times. Still, I’m glad they do come though.
Thank you for reading. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, always ♡
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